Mental Warfare

To all the vivid mental images of screams, bloodshed & explosions. The silent yet so violent, personal & non conventional war. My dear endless battle I acknowledge you. You are a part of me, chosen to make me weak & strong. To break me, to challenge me, to transform me. My own voice playing both the Angel & Demon, perplexing me with no direction to heed. I’m stuck in a standstill. Frozen in my own thoughts, yet the world around seems to be revolving in hypersonic. I’m unable to thaw out at the right moment.

Will there be a silence to break my stream of thoughts, why do I have to think so much, sometimes sleep helps but often I have the company of my dreams. I wonder doesn’t my brain ever need to rest? Can I stop worrying about others, how I affect them and just for once do things just for me, no consequences, no worries, no deep thoughts, just a spontaneous action. To experience something without any second guessing, no plan B maybe no plan at all.

As an empathetic high sensitive person, I am always on the lookout for others emotions, I read them, absorb them, & feel them. A boon that helps me understand people even without words sometimes, but also exhausts me mentally & emotionally. I realised I’m always experiencing feelings on a greater scale even the smallest ones are massive to me so I started to expand my scale, so only the really humongous ones I may pay extra care. Relearning how every feeling and emotion feels like to me and how others feel things, differentiating my feelings from others. Exploring their perspective before my own so I can act my best without judging anyone. Trying anything to understand my emotional thunderstorms.

“Oh, my rumbling mind,
Fragile bleeding heart
Will you ever find?
What’s your part?
In this vast world.

Even if you don’t
I hope you create one
As unique as you…”

— NIRU ︎︎❀ ROSE

Will this battle continue? If it does all I hope is I end up its preparing me for a future where I can be more resilient, compassionate and with more understanding towards myself as I am towards others. I’m looking forward to more mental warfare, to understand this world better, to understand myself better.